Releasing My Dreams to My Savior

Normally it’s easy for me to sit down and start writing something. The thoughts tend to come out easier onto a blank page then they do in spoken language or even in my own head. But this is different. I’ve shared this with people, yet it isn’t any easier to write about because I’m not all the way “through” this part of my life.

Many of the people in my life know that I had been in a long distance, fairly long term, relationship. And many of you also know that I haven’t mentioned him in the last 14 months or know that we broke up last year in February. Those of you who know me well, know that I rarely speak of my relationships when I’m in one, much less afterward, but this time it played a major role in what God has been doing to my heart this year.

I never wanted a career. Growing up, all I could ever hope and dream of was being a wife and mom. I always figured that since this was what my deepest desire was, that by the time I was 23-24 I’d have a family and a home. Well, I’m turning 24 in June and am quite single. Obviously, I am not where I thought I’d be in life at this point in time.

Part of me has accepted this. I am now used to being able to fit the entireties of my life in my minivan and never staying in one room for over 11 months. I don’t mind this too much. I love the experiences that I’ve gotten to have and the people I’ve been blessed to meet.

But deep, deep down I’ve been majorly struggling with being satisfied and content with where I am in life. In fact, there have been many, many points this last year where I have been angry with where I am in life and felt betrayed that God would give me these hopes and dreams and then seemingly crush them.

This last relationship was hard to let go of because I honestly couldn’t trust God in those first few months. I felt like I was losing my last chance at everything I could hope for. I was angry that God would surround me with all these happy couples when He knew that was what my deepest desire was. I felt betrayed in my confidence with God, hurt, even a sense of grief.

If I’m going to be completely transparent, this is frequently where I still am. On a daily basis, I still struggle with not breaking down in tears because I’m frustrated with God with where I’m not in life. I know He has a plan, but I don’t need everyone in my life reminding me of that. In fact, right now, it’s not helpful. I logically know all of this. But right now my heart is in a battle of finding contentment aside from the logic.

It hurts. I can’t talk to anyone about where I am struggling in my relationship with God right now without tears. I don’t like being where I am. But I still find myself stuck in the depths of this grief and this intense struggle to let go of my own hopes and dreams. I’m strong-willed. I know this. It comes as no surprise to me that letting go of a childhood dream is difficult in correlation to my strength of will. But I do wish that I could say that after 14 months of being in this struggle that I had a good grasp on it or that I was consistently doing better with this struggle.

But right now my progress is that I can, and have, talked to people about my current struggles, even though it means that I tear up every time – Even though it means showing my ugly side and being vulnerable. Even though it means letting people see how not OK I am right now. Even if it means showing people the real, very raw, me.

Soli Deo Gloria

- Sara Jean