I Believe In A Lie

Everyone has a lie that plays in the back of their head so often that they don't know when they started believing it, or where the lie came from, it's just a recognized fact.

My lie is that I am alone in the world. 

I don't think anyone ever told me that I was alone in the world, or that it was my job to protect myself from the universe, but it is most definitely how my brain has functioned for as long as I can remember. Wherever I've moved or whoever I'm around, this lie follows me. As I've gotten older I have come to a place in life where I recognize that this is a lie, and some days I can even not believe it. But still, this lie persistently lives in my head. I think I can say with confidence that this is a lie of the enemy that I will fight the rest of my life. 

Recently, this lie has been winning more battles than I care to admit.

Let me explain.

You see, throughout college, God was pushing me and molding me. Part of this molding was learning that I have this awful lie I believed so thoroughly that it took a long time for me to be able to even see that it was a lie. I thought it was true, and to have to re-evaluate that the world wasn't out to destroy me took a lot of processing. Eventually, I could  admit that it was a lie. 

After graduating from college I wasn't being pushed as much to get out of my head and started covering up the fact that I was sliding back down into this lie by keeping busy with two jobs, serving at church, and a relationship. I poured all my energy and emotion into these things. I felt needed, even wanted some days. In the midst of this I had myself fooled. I thought I had combated the lie completely, when in reality I was so entrenched in this lie that I couldn't see it. 

Then in February I moved to Virginia.

I moved away from my friends, I let go of my relationship and of two jobs and into a one job that God has started to use to shatter my illusion of life.

 I thought I knew what it was like to feel alone. 

I've been the sole group leader for coming on two months and spend 5 nights a week alone with my thoughts. I have no community on the weekend, and no one in my life on a daily or weekly basis who pushes me out of my head or in my relationship with Christ, and I feel oh so alone every day. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking for a sympathetic pat on the back. Nor am I looking for someone to fix my problems. This last week has been one of the toughest weeks I've had at work so far. Not because the work projects were harder or the days longer, but because I could no longer hide from the world how devastatingly alone I feel, and I could no longer tell myself that I was fine. 

In college I took for granted living in a community of believers. Now I wish that I had just one person whom I could talk with about what really matters in life. I miss feeling like I can talk openly about my faith and having people around me who hold me accountable for my stubborn belief that I know what's going on in life. 

At the same time I needed my lie shattered, because it's brought me closer to the truth. In the midst of writing a letter to a friend on Thursday night and crying because I didn't know what else to do and generally felt overwhelmed by life, the question that she asks me every time we talk started playing through my mind, "Sara, what is God teaching you right now?" 

What is God teaching me?

He is teaching me that no matter how firmly I believe this lie, that He will do whatever it takes to get me out of it, even if it means that I have to fall apart.

He is constantly reminding me that I need to seek Him first everyday, with all that I am.

He is showing me that although I feel like I am in a spiritual wilderness (not just a physical wilderness), that He will always provide what I need, even if it isn't everything I want.

He let my world crumble so that He could show me that He was still there.

I don't know what's next. I don't know how long I'll be in the wilderness. But I do know that Jesus often went into the wilderness to pray and to seek His Father. So that's what I'm going to do.

Soli Deo Gloria,

Sara Jean

Before I bring my need

I will bring my heart

Before I lift my cares

I will lift my arms

I wanna know You

I wanna find You

In every season

In every moment

Before I bring my need

I will bring my heart

And seek You

First

I wanna seek You

I wanna seek You

First

I wanna keep You

I wanna keep You

First

More than anything I want, I want You

First

Before I speak a word

Let me hear Your voice

And in the midst of pain

Let me feel Your joy

Ooh, I wanna know You

I wanna find You

In every season

In every moment

Before I speak a word

I will bring my heart

And seek You

First

I wanna seek You

I wanna seek You

First

I wanna keep You

I wanna keep You

First

More than anything I want, I want You

First