The passing of time is a funny thing, isn't it? There are things that feel like they were yesterday but happened years ago, and there are things that feel like they happened forever ago, and they happened in the last year. For instance, I've been in a relationship for just over 9 months now, yet it is hard to remember a time before we were dating. Yet there are words that have been said, things that have been insinuated to me over the years that my brain recalls like they happened to me only moments ago...
Sara...
...You're too much woman...
...Maybe you should just be quiet...
...You're not enough...
...You're too smart, it intimidates people, it scares them away...
My heart hears...
...You're not worth the time to get to know...
...Your thoughts and feelings don't matter...
... I don't really want to get to know you...
...No one wants to hear what you actually think or feel...
...If you share how you feel, you'll be hurt again...
...You'll always be alone...
...Everyone will abandon you...
...Those closest to you will leave you...
...don't trust...
These lies, for this is what they are, repeat themselves daily in the back of my mind. The biggest effect they have had on my life is to cause me to stop sharing myself. I will talk facts all day long, but if you were to ask something that my heart must answer, expect silence and strained thinking. I have shut myself off to the world for so long that I am not always sure how to access me anymore. Because, if you don't know what I actually feel, you can't hurt me by rejecting me in that area.
God has been slowly refining my life, he has been picking apart the scars that these lies are and exposing them to the fire. And it hurts, oh gosh it hurts. and it's only been recently that I have been even able to identify these fears.
This summer, I've been part of a wonderful small group with two other young women and being led by my pastor's wife. We have been going through the book Captivating, by John & Stasi Eldredge. I've rejected the idea of being in small groups since highschool. I considered them non-essential and didn't really see the value in them. Then again, I had already shut off the part of Sara that wanted to share how she actually felt about stuff. I was so fact and knowledge focused, all to avoid being hurt. This summer I've spontaneously shared things from my heart during these times together that I never thought I could say out loud. I've started confronting lies in my life, acknowledging fears, and in the process, I've learned that maybe I need to work on speaking my feelings. Not only do I need to work on this, but that people want to hear what I actually feel. They don't want to hear about what I think facts say about a situation, they want to know what I think and feel about a situation. Part of this awareness is due to what God has been revealing through this small group, but the other part has been because I've had to deal with a heart that doesn't really like long distance relationships.
I currently live close to 6 hours away from the guy I'm dating. He's an incredible guy, so it's totally worth it. But it's hard. My heart doesn't like it. Partially because our schedules are on opposite spectrums, and I work close to 70 hours a week, which makes talking difficult. But mostly because it's demanded that I learn to speak what I think and feel, not just facts. I still kinda fail at it, a lot, but I'm getting better- Or at least I think I am. My heart so deeply fears rejection. I've felt rejected so many times throughout my 22 years for showing myself that my heart doesn't want to be rejected for showing me. again. It doesn't think it can take it.
And it can't, alone. The problem is that I've shut down so many areas of my heart to God too. Yeah, I gave my heart to him, but I'm not letting him work on it. I realized that I fear His rejection too. Which is silly when I think about it, I mean I know that God is there, that He loves me for who I am and doesn't reject me at all. But my heart doesn't believe this. And because it fears rejection by God, it fears rejection by everyone else too.
These two questions kinda hit me between the eyes over the weekend, and it's forced me to reevaluate myself. I keep the world at an arm's length, and I try to keep God there too. It feels safer to be alone. but my biggest fear is to be alone, abandoned. So instead of having to face the chance of rejection, I chose to be alone. What a sick cycle. Somewhere along the line I believed the lie of satan to the point that I resigned myself to his lie. Now I'm learning to reject his lie, to stand against it, to lean into the truth that God speaks into my life and let Him combat the lies for me. Satan has spent my entire life speaking lies to me, and he won't stop. But now I have more truth to combat him with.
Christ waits at the doors of our pain, patiently waiting. He knocks. he doesn't force down the door. He doesn't enter where he isn't invited. He stands at the door of our pain, our fear, crying with us, longing to comfort and heal. All we have to do is let him in, he's waiting.
So now, I'm learning to let God into the areas of my heart that fear rejection. And as I let Him in, I can let those closest to me in. Yes, my heart is fragile and has been broken, but it's also strong and resilient.
Sara...
...You're too much woman...
...Maybe you should just be quiet...
...You're not enough...
...You're too smart, it intimidates people, it scares them away...
My heart hears...
...You're not worth the time to get to know...
...Your thoughts and feelings don't matter...
... I don't really want to get to know you...
...No one wants to hear what you actually think or feel...
...If you share how you feel, you'll be hurt again...
...You'll always be alone...
...Everyone will abandon you...
...Those closest to you will leave you...
...don't trust...
These lies, for this is what they are, repeat themselves daily in the back of my mind. The biggest effect they have had on my life is to cause me to stop sharing myself. I will talk facts all day long, but if you were to ask something that my heart must answer, expect silence and strained thinking. I have shut myself off to the world for so long that I am not always sure how to access me anymore. Because, if you don't know what I actually feel, you can't hurt me by rejecting me in that area.
God has been slowly refining my life, he has been picking apart the scars that these lies are and exposing them to the fire. And it hurts, oh gosh it hurts. and it's only been recently that I have been even able to identify these fears.
This summer, I've been part of a wonderful small group with two other young women and being led by my pastor's wife. We have been going through the book Captivating, by John & Stasi Eldredge. I've rejected the idea of being in small groups since highschool. I considered them non-essential and didn't really see the value in them. Then again, I had already shut off the part of Sara that wanted to share how she actually felt about stuff. I was so fact and knowledge focused, all to avoid being hurt. This summer I've spontaneously shared things from my heart during these times together that I never thought I could say out loud. I've started confronting lies in my life, acknowledging fears, and in the process, I've learned that maybe I need to work on speaking my feelings. Not only do I need to work on this, but that people want to hear what I actually feel. They don't want to hear about what I think facts say about a situation, they want to know what I think and feel about a situation. Part of this awareness is due to what God has been revealing through this small group, but the other part has been because I've had to deal with a heart that doesn't really like long distance relationships.
I currently live close to 6 hours away from the guy I'm dating. He's an incredible guy, so it's totally worth it. But it's hard. My heart doesn't like it. Partially because our schedules are on opposite spectrums, and I work close to 70 hours a week, which makes talking difficult. But mostly because it's demanded that I learn to speak what I think and feel, not just facts. I still kinda fail at it, a lot, but I'm getting better- Or at least I think I am. My heart so deeply fears rejection. I've felt rejected so many times throughout my 22 years for showing myself that my heart doesn't want to be rejected for showing me. again. It doesn't think it can take it.
And it can't, alone. The problem is that I've shut down so many areas of my heart to God too. Yeah, I gave my heart to him, but I'm not letting him work on it. I realized that I fear His rejection too. Which is silly when I think about it, I mean I know that God is there, that He loves me for who I am and doesn't reject me at all. But my heart doesn't believe this. And because it fears rejection by God, it fears rejection by everyone else too.
Because if I can't believe that God won't reject my heart and my emotions,
who else could possibly accept me?
And if I can't trust that God won't reject me for me, then who can I trust?
These two questions kinda hit me between the eyes over the weekend, and it's forced me to reevaluate myself. I keep the world at an arm's length, and I try to keep God there too. It feels safer to be alone. but my biggest fear is to be alone, abandoned. So instead of having to face the chance of rejection, I chose to be alone. What a sick cycle. Somewhere along the line I believed the lie of satan to the point that I resigned myself to his lie. Now I'm learning to reject his lie, to stand against it, to lean into the truth that God speaks into my life and let Him combat the lies for me. Satan has spent my entire life speaking lies to me, and he won't stop. But now I have more truth to combat him with.
Christ waits at the doors of our pain, patiently waiting. He knocks. he doesn't force down the door. He doesn't enter where he isn't invited. He stands at the door of our pain, our fear, crying with us, longing to comfort and heal. All we have to do is let him in, he's waiting.
So now, I'm learning to let God into the areas of my heart that fear rejection. And as I let Him in, I can let those closest to me in. Yes, my heart is fragile and has been broken, but it's also strong and resilient.
I am beautiful.
I am intelligent
I am strong.
I am sassy.
I am loyal.
I am danced over.
I am passionate.
I am bold.
I am precious.
I am stubborn.
I am intrinsically unique (Even without purple hair ;) )
I have a specific purpose.
I am cared for.
I am worth fighting for.
I am desired.
I am perfectly enough.
I am perfectly me.
I am loved too much to be left where I am.
"[I am] passionately loved by the God of the universe,
[I am] passionately hated by His enemy."
- Captivating
Soli Deo Gloria,
-Sara Jean
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